Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Final year exams: Over (now let the ritual deep inner-reflection commence)

At times I felt my life has been dragging on for an unnecessarily long time and this past year it seemed like it was more of the same. After just having completed my finals this week I’m left both relieved and oh too familiarly sceptical about my performance. Now I wouldn’t say I’m reverting to the bad old days of summer ’05 because I think I’ve pretty much figured out the beginning pattern of my downward spiral enough to nip it at the bud.

If I allow myself to give a blunt assessment of my performance I’d say these past two years have been both painful and essential to my overall development as a human being as trivial an idea as that may seem.

But I still have doubts (as I’ve always had) on how well I’ve done in my exams and from that stems a lot of the personal problems I know I’ll have to overcome as of now. I know all this talk is like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted – story of my life really – but I felt I needed to put my thoughts somewhere, even if it is in the public domain.

Maybe all this means I’m displaying my weaknesses with unwarranted abandon to an unknown audience including possible future employers! But then I’m the kind of person who’s always been brutally honest about not only myself but of others too. I say poorly-thought-out things that may hurt others and bounce right back at me and I’m trying to at least put a lid on it! I talk more and act less and I’m working on that too and I’m seriously thinking of my future existence on this planet and on things like hope and direction, probably more so than ever before.

The dark side of my conscience tells me: ‘Thws you’re such a slow developer and there’s no way you can cope with the pressures of this world’. And then there’s the positive side telling my I’m a slow developer but its part of my overall learning curve and sure, I might not reach that elusive sense of nirvana but I’ll sure as hell be a better and more resilient person at the other end.

3 comments:

patti said...

Hmmmmm Em, why do you seem to put yourself in these kinda like NO WIN situations? You have talent young man and you are keeping yourself hostage on some kinda roller coaster ride. Get off Bub.
Find yourself a joy ride instead. I just happened to look into your blog and I see the same Emran. Time to clean house young man and maybe just maybe Islam would help if you grew closer and closer to God.

Mybrid said...

Why does it even matter how well you did on the exams? Do you think any employer is going to ask that? Believe me, they don't care. Everyone knows there's no relation between how well you do in college and how well you do at work. I've seen plenty smart people not do well in college but climb the corporate ladder much quicker than others. Keep the goal in focus. You just need to graduate. How well you do, doesn't matter to anyone!

melanie said...

just a HUG! enjoy the reflections. writing a journal always helped me. not a blog, a journal. the excercise of actually writing on paper can sometimes be cathartic.

your life isn't even halfway over yet! think of all the other things you get to fuck up and point at yourself about. giggles.

its a wonderful ride. don't let the little shit get ya down.